If you haven’t read it yet, make sure you check out our article detailing the Red Flags of Christmas Venues. Provided the venue checks out on those, then let’s take the next step and go through some of the classic DO NOT’S once the party’s underway.
You might remember last year we listed:
- Pash the boss
- Suggest Strippers, and
- Talk about your dead cat
Well, this year we’ve got a wholly new set of rules that, if broken, could cause your night to wither away into a sad memory.
DO NOT take your mum as a plus 1
Mum may be great, she may be a fan favourite, she may have even baked some cookies for the office from time to time. But mum is not a plus 1. What if you wanna make out with some hotty from the office!? Some sexy hoochy man or woman of a co-worker that you’ve got a big ol’ super-crush on!? And mum’s there!? Leave her at home with the TV.
DO NOT wear, say or exhibit anything Trump
Unless it’s a joke that involves a prop pumpkin with a crown of fairy floss, don’t. Poke the bear and the bear will swipe your face off. The bear in this case being everyone else.
DO NOT get physical
You know that guy that works at the office? The one who speaks so close to your face that you can watch the saliva forming in the glands. The bloke who after a drink or two relives his past party days when he was in Brazil with a coupla mates living it up. The guy who just really appreciates working with you so much he wants a big, warm, touchy-feely hug.
Oh, you don’t know this guy? Then you are him. Stop it. We’re uncomfortable.
DO NOT order cocktails
There’s only so much tab to go round. Give the Mojito’s a rest.
DO NOT confess your love…for anything 50/50
Expressing your love for a co-worker is the obvious no-no. But I’m taking this further. Be very wary about confessing your love for anything that could be considered contentious in other people’s eyes.
“Geez I love doing centurions and drinking til I spew.”
“I absolutely love my Sister/Brother, you know, like reeaaally love them.”
“I love abusing tele-marketers on the phone, really just slamming their self-esteem. Makes me feel so tough.”
This is not to say you can’t speak passionately about things, on the contrary, that’s where some of the best conversations are found.
So there you go, another coupla tips to get you through this year’s work chrissie function. Use them, don’t use them, it’s up to you. Just make sure you don’t leave the venue with a sackful of regret the morning after, demonstrated in the image below.
By Charlie Ranger